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 Post subject: Worst of the CostCo Cookbook
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 12:49 am 
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I was startled to discover that CostCo actually puts out a cookbook for the holidays. It's called "Simply Delicious, The CostCo Way". Apparently they've been doing it for 11 years, and giving it away Thanksgiving weekend. Go figure.

Anyway, it's a fairly hefty volume, with around 180 recipes. As you might expect, the vast majority of the recipes are contributed by CostCo vendors, such as Dole, Delano Farms, True Nature Seafood, CSM Bakery Products, Smucker's, etc. Unexpectedly, most of the recipes are actually pretty good, or at least not horrible; if I needed another volume of random West Coast Cuisine recipes, I might keep it (hint: no).

In keeping with CostCo's headquarters in Washington State, there are eleven pages of salmon recipes.

However, even if most of the recipes are acceptable, that still leaves plenty to make fun of. So ...

Welcome to the CostCo Cookbook Hall of Shame Awards!
Get your buckets ready, you'll need them.

First we have a few Special Mentions, for recipes which achieved distinction in some way not covered by the main categories.

The Heart-Stopper Special Mention goes to the recipe which is the most gratuitously high-saturated-fat, while still likely being quite tasty. Our winner this year is: Parmesan-Encrusted Spinach & Cheese Ravioli, contributed by Monterrey Pasta Company, which consists of French-battered, deep-fried cheese ravioli.

The Making Fruitcake Even Less Edible Special Mention goes to any recipe which somehow manages to make Kirkland's traditional doorstop confection even less like food. This year's goes to: Holiday Fondue with Fruitcake Pops, which instructs readers to put cubes of fruit cake on toothpicks, dip them in melted chocolate chips, cream and brandy, and coat with dried coconut.

The What Could Possibly Go Wrong Special Mention goes to a recipe whose instructions court disaster. This year's: Grill-Roasted Vegetables With Planked Brie, which involves roasting brie on a cedar plank on the grill, for 15 minutes ... without it somehow melting off the plank and catching fire. Adding to the reader's confusion, the picture above the recipe is of BBQ ribs.

The You Can Disguise Them All You Want, They're Still Prunes special mention goes to Dried Plum Rice Salad, contributed by SunSweet.

And the Yanking Frank's Chain Special Mention goes to any recipe identified as "chili" which has little or nothing in common with chili con carne. This year, we have a specatucular winner with the vaguely repulsive Three-bean Chili with Salmon Burgers, a stew of canned beans (including lima beans) and chopped salmon burgers.

Next, we have our Wag Of The Finger. This special mention goes to the recipe-writer demonstrating weakest ethics in the cookbook. One section of the CostCo cookbook features "Chef's Choice" recipes. For the most part, these were as you'd expect, although the "chefs" were a mixture of real chefs with bloggers, food buyers, and other people who are not actually professional cooks. Our winner for "least professional" among these is: Joy Wilson

Despite describing herself as a professional baker, blogger and author of a baking book, the two recipes she contributed were:
  • Double Chocolate Chunk Trifle, which uses diced Costco muffins, and
  • Quick Pull-Apart Danish Apple Cheesecakes, which could be summed up as: buy danishes, cook apples, put apples on danishes.
... so a big "Wag Of The Finger" to Ms. Wilson, the baker who can't bake.

Now, onto the awards. We had many strong contenders for "worst recipe" for this year's CostCo cookbook, so let's start with the categories.

Questionable Taste Award goes to the recipe which consists of the most dubious-sounding combination of otherwise wholesome ingredients. Our runners-up this year are:
  1. Ham-Stuffed Apples (baked apples, stuffed with ham)
  2. Peanut Butter, Blueberry and Strawberry Sandwiches (what it sounds like)
And our winner is:
  • Mango and Bacon Barbeque Pizza, for managing to combine four ingredients which don't go together in any combination. The only thing missing is some white chocolate.

How to Ruin Guacamole Award goes to the recipe which most gratuitously ruins this basic foodstuff of the Southwest. Apparently some people can't leave a simple, perfect food well enough alone. Our runners-up are:
  1. Tuna Avocado Dip (what it sounds like)
  2. Cream Cheese Bacon Avocado Dip (like you'd imagine, only with Bacon Bits)
And our winner is:
  • Tequila Guacamole: a guac made with pickled jalapenos and their vinegar, pickled carrots, and tequila, guaranteed to come back up by the second beer.

Bizarro Recipe Names Award goes to recipes which have strange, misleading titles as well as questionable taste. Our runners-up are:
  1. Fire and Ice Pasta Salad (a pasta dish made with penne, black bean burgers, mangoes, tomato, jalapeno, picante sauce, and lettuce)
  2. Blueberry Stacks "4" My Boys (pastry/cream/blueberry things. The recipe title is not explained)
And our winner is:
  • Pizzaaa SPAM Bake (a macaroni, pizza sauce and SPAM casserole), both for the extra "aa" in the name, and for featuring SPAM.

White Trash Cooking Award is for recipes which take the idea of high-fat, high-salt, low-effort cooking and go off into places where even the least culinary trailer park resident would say "are you sure about this?" Our runners-up are:
  1. Ground Beef and Tater Tots Casserole (what it sounds like)
  2. Bacon Cheeseburger Pizza (bake 1 cheese pizza; top with the insides of a cheeseburger including the lettuce and ketchup)
  3. Hot Pop Pies (pastry dough filled with assorted processed meats and cheeses from a deli party tray)
And our winner:
  • Cheezy Mac and Rib Melt, a sandwich made with Tilamook cheese, pulled pork, BBQ sauce, mayonnaise, more Tilamook cheese, and prepared mac & cheese, for its "kitchen sink" approach to Southern food.

Gratuitous Product Placement Award goes to recipes which cram a vendor product sideways into a recipe in order to promote it. As you can imagine, there were quite a few of these, so we have three runners-up:
  1. Dark Chocolate Acai Blueberry Muffins (fairly ordinary bran muffins, into which something called "Dark Chocolate Blueberry Acai" has been thrust)
  2. Skinny Coco-Acai Lemonade (a cockail using Vita Coco coconut water and VeeV Acai Spirit)
  3. Impossibly Easy Mini Crab Cake Pies (crab cakes made with Bisquick).
And our winner:
  • Grilled Coffeehouse Asparagus (roasted asparagus in sauce made of soy sauce, vinegar, and Folger's Coffee Crystals), since the Folger's crystals are so completely and purely gratuitous, and ruin otherwise perfectly good roasted asparagus.

And now, we'll pick the worst of all of these recipes. The envelope, please. Our winner, the worst of the 2012 CostCo cookbook, is …

Cheezy Mac And Rib Melt.

To quote a one of our judges, this recipe won, narrowly beating out the Pizzaaa SPAM Bake, because it was "Self-consciously lowbrow, sarcastic, LA hipster fake white trash food; not just horrible, but hypocritically horrible."

Here's the recipe, which I've been told to warn you is considered a "munition" under the terms of the Wassenaar Arrangement:

8 cups prepared macaroni and cheese
3 tablespoons Tillamook unsalted butter
4 yellow onions, sliced
2 cups BBQ sauce
4 cups prepared pulled pork
16 slices buttermilk bread
24 slices Tillamook Sharp Cheddar Cheese
3/4 cup Tillamook unsalted butter, softened
3/4 cup mayonnaise

Beat softened butter and mayonnaise together to make a spread. Spread warm Mac & Cheese on a baking sheet. Let cool until fairly firm, cut into 8 squares. Saute onions in the 3 Tbs butter until caramelized. Heat BBQ sauce, and stir pork into it.

Preheat a griddle to 350F. Butter all 16 slices of bread with the spread on one side. Make 8 sandwiches, using (in order) 1 slice of cheese, 1 square of mac & cheese, another slice of cheese, pork, onions, and another slice of cheese, with the buttered side of each slice of bread facing out. Gently griddle until browned.


And that's all for this year's awards! Make sure to leave your buckets, full or empty, by the exit. See you next year!

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 Post subject: Re: Worst of the CostCo Cookbook
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 5:32 am 
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Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2008 5:35 am
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Location: Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada
WELL DONE! Even by your standards - a tour de force :!:
I am learning, however; I finished my coffee before I got into it too deeply :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Worst of the CostCo Cookbook
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 6:06 am 
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 4:34 pm
Posts: 2011
Ridiculous. And I would so eat that Mac and Cheese bake thing.

Mary


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 Post subject: Re: Worst of the CostCo Cookbook
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 7:23 am 
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I got lost at the salmon burger chili. Eeeeeew. If someone made me eat that, I would cry.

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 Post subject: Re: Worst of the CostCo Cookbook
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 7:57 am 
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Joined: Fri Dec 19, 2008 10:45 pm
Posts: 1531
Location: Ottawa, ON
Very enjoyable write-up!


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 Post subject: Re: Worst of the CostCo Cookbook
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 9:02 am 
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I must be getting over that Thanksgiving too-much-rich-food feeling, because the mac and cheese and ribs sound kinda good to me, too.


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 Post subject: Re: Worst of the CostCo Cookbook
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 9:08 am 
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Posts: 1244
Excellent critique, but TaterTot Casserole rocks! (Or at least it did when I was 12...)


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 Post subject: Re: Worst of the CostCo Cookbook
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 10:32 am 
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Joined: Fri Dec 19, 2008 11:21 am
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Location: Six Shooter Junction, Texas
TheFuzzy wrote:
And the Yanking Frank's Chain Special Mention goes to any recipe identified as "chili" which has little or nothing in common with chili con carne. This year, we have a specatucular winner with the vaguely repulsive Three-bean Chili with Salmon Burgers, a stew of canned beans (including lima beans) and chopped salmon burgers.




So noted... :shock: :o

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 Post subject: Re: Worst of the CostCo Cookbook
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 11:11 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 22, 2008 11:01 am
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Location: Denver
Thanks for the morning giggle !

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 Post subject: Re: Worst of the CostCo Cookbook
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 3:33 pm 
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Location: Winchester, MA
This was great - thanks!

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